Dear, Chad
by I Know Love Hurts 2010
Summary: Chad has committed Suicide and Sonny has wrote him a letter to mark his first year gone. Very sad, please R&R! Rated T - For Suicide


Dear, Chad. My beautiful Chad.

It's been a full year without you.  
>I still can't believe you left me alone for good that day.<br>In my mind, this wasn't how it would end between us.  
>How we would part from this world.<br>In my mind, we would be together for ever and die in each other's arms when we were old.  
>We may have only been 16 but I knew, deep down, that we would last for the rest of our lives together.<br>But then you disappeared, you turned to dust and let the cruel wind take you. Let the cruel world take you away from my heart, away from my sole.

You were only **18**, Chad. **You were 18**. You were too young to die.

When you called me that last night, I had no idea why you were telling me all this. Telling me that you loved me. Telling me that you were sorry. Telling me that you can't cope with your life that way it was anymore. Sorry, sorry, sorry was all I could here. I tried so hard to talk to you, I tried to get through to you with my voice on the other side. **_But you didn't stop!_** Sorry, sorry, sorry. Then when you said your final good bye and the line went dead, I could feel you flat line. I jumped out of my bed. In my PJ, I ran out of the door, I ran down the stairs and out the door. I wanted to be by your side. I wanted to hug you before you started. I wanted to be the one that told you everything was gonna be okay. I never stopped, I never stopped for a second; your house was 2 miles away from mine. I never stopped, I didn't grab my bike, I didn't put on my shoes, I didn't put on my coat. That would have wasted moments that I could have been closer to you.

At 2 in the morning, snow falling around me as I ran through 8 inches of snow. Every foot print I left in the snow felt like a_** million**_ needles piercing the soles of my feet, but I was numb. My body was on a mission. To get to you before you did it. Before you put your pen down from your last letter, before you took the pills, before you grabbed the knife. Every second more tears ran down my face. Every second my vision was blurred.

I got hit by a car, I broke my arm. The pain was unbearable but when I thought of losing you? That hurt more than anything. I didn't even wait for the driver to get to me. I got back to my feet and ran to you. Ran like it was my life on the line. Not yours. Running down the streets. Begging to anyone that would listen that controlled fait to get you to hold out till I got there.

When I got to your street, 15 minutes later,_** I screamed**_. I_** screamed**_ your name. I ran to your door and banged on the door with my right arm, _**hoping**_ you would open the door. But you never did. I screamed until someone came to me. I still screamed. When I told him my fear he helped me brake down the door.

I ran to your room, I knocked the door off its hinges and stumbled into your room just to get to you. But only to find you there. Laying on the floor of your bedroom. Your perfect skin, now as white as a sheet of paper, your lips blue from the lack of oxygen. Your shot blond hair and long side swept fringe framing your beauty. Wearing your 'Mackenzie Falls' outfit, your favourite outfit of all. Your eyes were closed and your cheeks where tear stained. Your arms where covered in your own blood and the cream carpet around it was blood stained. But my ultimate horror came when I looked at your wrist. At that second my stomach_** twisted**_, my throat _**tightened**_ and I started to shake. You sliced your wrist down to the bone. I screamed and I cried at the same time. A heartbroken scream, a heartbroken cry. For you. I dived down to your life-less body and hugged you as hard as I could, hopping my love was enough. Enough to bring you back to me.

"I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I wasn't there for you when you needed me! I'm sorry!" I cried to you. Over and over, hoping you could hear me. I wished you would flicker your eyes open to show me your beautiful blue eyes that fall head over heels for me and that showed me the hidden part of your soul no one but I could see. Tell me you where okay, tell me you made a mistake and call the ambulance to save you so you could stay with me for the rest of our lives. I wanted that to happen so badly but even when the ambulance came you never flinched, you never moved, you never spoke, you never let out a breath.

They wanted to take you away. I hesitated but let you go, I let you go with them. I held your hand and I didn't let go. I was in shock, I was in denial. It was like I wasn't even me. Next thing I know, when I came back I was having a cast set on my arm. I started to cry; it all hit me so fast it was like a punch in the face. And it was a hard punch. I bit my lip and squeezed my eyes shut to stop the tears. The poor nurse though she had hurt me. Saying sorry over and over. Then I started. It was crazy. But I couldn't stop. I was saying sorry to you. For everything I thought I did wrong.

"I'm sorry I left you at the cinema when I had to go home. I'm sorry I couldn't stick up for you when Nico and Grady started calling your show stupid. I sorry I never told you I loved you sooner." Then the last thing I said made me and everyone around me stop.

"I'm sorry you didn't love me enough to hold on to life. I'm sorry you leave me the way you did. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry." I said then started to cry. I was feeling it all. Sadness, grief, longing, denial, fear, and every negative emotion any human being could feel. And then I realized that that is how you felt every day. That is what I guessed you felt every day. But what hurt the most was that I couldn't see it. I couldn't see your hidden pain in your eyes and I hurt that you were gone. I looked down at my clothes and they were covered in his blood. After I while I gave them my details. Tawni came to pick me up with a change of clothes. When we got home. I went to my room, onto the roof and thought about you. I watched the stars and searched for you. I wanted to see you looking down at me. I wanted to know that even though you were gone, you would still be here somehow. And the more I wished the more I cried, the more I cried, the more I longed for you and the more I longed for you the more I cried. It was a vicious, never ending cycle. Next thing I know I was awake. And you were still gone. Still away from me. It was 11am and I was late for work. I grabbed my bag, put on my shoes and walked down stairs. To find a police man sitting on the sofa, with Tawni all with coffee's in their hands. I slowly walked towards them and wiped away tears that were falling again. He asked me about you. He asked me about us. He asked me why I was there that night like it was my fault. Then he asked a question that was like I kick in the stomach and a knee in the face as the same time as I knife piercing my heart.

"Did you think or know if he was suicidal before he died?" He asked in a monotone voice they all seem to have in a situation like this.

"If I had _**any**_ idea Chad was gonna to do that to himself last night, don't you think I would have got him some help, before hand? I had no _**fucking**_ idea he was going to do it till he called me and told me he was sorry and that he loved me and that he couldn't cope with his life anymore! When he hung up I ran! It was 2 in the bloody morning! I ran to get to him to try and stop him! I got hit by a car and broke my arm trying to stop him; I didn't even put my coat on or a pair of shoes! He lived _**two miles**_ away and I was_** scared**_! If I knew he was going to _**die** _like he did, I would have ran to his house sooner, I would have pounded down his door sooner and maybe I could have saved him! _**BUT I COULDN'T! I HAD NO FUCKING CLUE! ALL I KNOW IS THAT HE DIDN'T BELIEVE THAT I WAS WORTH HANGING ON TO BEFORE HE PLUNGED THAT KNIFE INTO WRIST! AND THAT IS WORST THAN ANY KIND OF REJECTION OR BRAKE UP ANY HUMAN BEING COULD ENDURE! I HATE WHAT HE HAS DONE TO ME! BUT I WILL NEVER HATE HIM!**_ I wish I could have saved Chad, I really do. But I just didn't get there fast enough." The police man looked to his feet and Tawni stood up to give me a hug. I didn't want to be comforted right now; I didn't want to be held. I just wanted to be alone. I grabbed my phone and my keys and then stormed out of the house.

All I could think about was you, Chad. All the good things, all the bad things and the great things we did together.

I also remembered the first time I met you. Do you remember? I was new and it was hard for me to fit in with everyone. We first met at the cafeteria; I was getting Fro Yo for my cast in that ridicules outfit I had on for a sketch. I was shocked when you met me. Mostly out of meeting you. Some of who you were. It's funny, but I loved you from the moment I looked into your eyes. When I found out out shows hated each other. I put my cast before my feeling and it was like I had trapped them in a safe and they were growing inside it, making it burst to let the emotions flow out. Oh, but when they did, it was the best feeling ever. My heart skipped a beat when I saw you. I got nervous around you and I knew I loved you. And when we kissed for the first time, oh my gosh, that was the best feeling in the world. Sparks flew around my body like I was a fire work about to blow sky high. I felt like you and I where the only two people on the planet. You and me against the world. When we were together. I had always wanted to be more than your friend. I wanted to mean more to you than that. After that day we were inseparable and I never wanted to be away from you for more than a day. Oh god how I miss you!

Two days after your funeral, I found them. People who knew exactly how I felt. How I felt inside myself. Listening to them made tears that I was afride to free, just came pouring out. They sung the most amazing music I had ever heard. My Chemical Romance.

_So many bright lights to cast a shadow, but can I speak?  
>Well, is it hard understanding I'm incomplete?<br>A life that's so demanding, I get so weak  
>A love that's so demanding, I can't speak<em>

_I am not afraid to keep on living  
>I am not afraid to walk this world alone (My Chemical Romance - Famous Last Words)<em>

Listening to the words that where so true to the way I was feeling, I always find myself crying silent tears watching them in amazement. Wondering how they knew me so well? How they were the only people who knew how I felt in my heart when the people I most close to can't see through my fake smiles.

Over the next week, I had been to one of their concerts in New York, collected all their CD's, downloaded all their songs and learned everything I could about them. It's weird, obsessing over them. Kind of made me feel better, made me feel like I wasn't so alone. I also met someone.

We met outside of a night club that were having a My Chemical Romance rock night. I was outside composing myself before I called a cab to take me home. When this guy, stands next to me. He had blond hair and it was exactly how you had yours when I found you in your room. He had a light blue polo t-shirt on with denium jeans that sagged a little, and had a dog-tag chair around his neck. He was so sweet to me. He stood next to me and rubbed my back as I cried. Just like how you would when I was upset or when we were cuddling. He didn't ask me anything or say anything he just rubbed my back. It helped me a lot. I rubbed away my tears and sniffed.

"Are you okay?" He asked when I stopped crying. I shook my head and my lip quivered. "What's wrong? I promise I won't say a word to anyone." He said kindly.

"My… My boy…. My boyfriend co…" I said feeling tears come back.

"Don't worry take your time." He said and rubbed my arm.

"My boy… boyfriend… commited… su… sui…" I said, He nodded and rubbed my arm.

"Don't worry, I understand. My sister died like that too, a year and 3 weeks ago actually." He said, I smiled. That was the day you died Chad. The exact same day.

"Thank you for being nice to me." I said quietly making him smiled.

"It's okay. Come on, let's get something to eat." He said holding out him hand. And I took it.

He was so sweet to me Chad. We went to an curry place and we just talked. I talked about you. He talked about his sister and we talked about everything. We got to know each other so well within 4 hours. The best thing about him though? That he knew how I was feeling. He knew how to help me get past the pain of losing you to a disease. Because that's what suicide is really. A disease. It takes over your body and makes you feel so alone when there are people all round you that love you. That need you. That are there for you when you need them most. And to just forget about that is the worst part of all. But Chad, Lucas was so understanding . He was my age, and he liked everything I liked. He gave me compliments and was just there for me, when I needed someone like that the most. After our meal, he walked me home and I let him stay the night.

NOTHING HAPPENED! We both slept in my bed but we didn't do anything, I promise! The next morning, Lucas gave me his number and address then left. I got my things ready to go back to work after a month. I was about to go out of the door when something possessed me to check my mail. Which was weird for my apartment Chad. So weird. Yet when I did, there was just a single letter.

I didn't read it till lunch. But that letter was off you Chad. Your final letter. And it made me cry, not tears of sadness and pain like every tear I cried for the past few weeks. But tears of happiness and joy.

_Dear, My beautiful Sonshine_ (My Nick-Nick name)_  
>I know how much you're hurting right now and I just wish this didn't have to be.<br>But I had to, if I didn't I was going to hurt someone I cared a lot about.  
>It was nothing you or anyone did it, I just couldn't fight my inner demons any longer.<br>They were winning every battle.  
>You were the only thing I could win against them.<br>You, my beautiful Sonshine.  
>Don't cry for me, and please don't follow me. Because I would never forgive myself.<br>You are beautiful and so amazing it's hard for me to understand why you wanted me.  
>My beautiful sonshine.<br>I wish I did have the strength to fight for you but I had been fighting against them all my life.  
>But I was just too weak to do it, no matter how hard I tried<br>My beautiful Sonshine  
>I'll love you for all eternity and I miss you.<br>Please never forget about me.  
>Lots of Love<br>__**Chad**_

_**PS**_

_**I arranged this letter to be sent to you a month after my death  
>It's a pick me up<br>Hope it worked**_

_**Love You xx**_

I promise I will never forget you Chad. And I love you too. Lucas is a big part in my life now just as you are. You left to world and me and everything looked so bleak and gloomy and Lucas helped me out.  
>I love him.<br>Not as much I love you but I love him a lot, Chad.

I miss you so much and I will always regret not being able to save you, but you opened my eyes to a bigger and brighter world even though you couldn't find it yourself.

This letter will be left on your grave. You final resting place Chad, along with a single red rose.

I love you Chad

Goodbye, my lover and my one and only true, best friend.


End file.
